David Dubrow

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A Trio of Brief Horror Movie Reviews

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Yesterday I was struck down with norovirus.  Every terrible symptom that comes with this illness played havoc with my body in ways Tomás de Torquemada would learn from (and be disgusted by).  So, when wracked with agonies, what can you do except watch horror movies on Netflix?

These reviews have spoilers in them.

The first one I watched was Dead Snow.  It’s a testament to how desensitized I’ve become watching horror films that the unbelievable amounts of gore in it did not cause me to run to the bathroom, vomiting down my shirtfront.  I was doing that anyway.  Despite that it was subtitled, a lot of the dialogue worked.  There were some memorable moments: Erlend’s end, the one guy whose name I never learned sewing his spurting neck wound closed, rappelling with intestines, and Martin getting his peepee bitten by a nuthunting zombie after having sawed his own arm off to prevent infection.  If you like gory, foreign, funny zombie films with people named Vegard, Turgåer, and Erlend in them, this is the movie for you.  4 out of 5 stars.

After an attempt at a nap during a particularly bad wave of nausea, I turned on The Taking of Deborah Logan, mostly because it was the first movie recommended in the list and I felt too awful to think about picking something different.  Overall, it wasn’t bad, but it had little to recommend it.  The problem with this film and the one I watched after it was the same: the characters were mostly unlikable from the beginning to the end and I didn’t care what happened to them.  Except for the kid, because, well, it was a kid.  With cancer.  The creepy bit with Deborah Logan sort of opening her face near the end and swallowing the kid’s head was effective.  The old lady T-and-A was unusual.  I’m trying to find things to say about this movie, but can’t, which shows you how unmemorable it was.  It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good, either.  2 out of 5 stars.

Terrorphoria’s post on the movie You’re Next had intrigued me, so as I lay on the sofa, trying not to writhe in agony from muscle cramps and gut spasms, I put it on.  People who know about movies, especially horror movies, call it “mumblegore” and I don’t give enough of a damn to Google the term to find out what mumblegore is or what other films exist in the mumblegore oeuvre.  I assume it has nothing to do with Harry Potter.  In it, a bunch of people who are absolute putzes get attacked by men in animal masks.  One person has the wherewithal to fight back, and she does, killing all the bad guys because that’s just what women do in violent situations: they use their brawn, innate brutality, and hardcore fighting skills to defeat trained soldiers in hand-to-hand combat.  Yes, I know she spent time on a survivalist compound, whatever that means.  In any event, there were some funny moments to it, and some disturbing ones, but the filmmakers didn’t care enough about the viewers to put forth enough effort to make us care about what was happening.  It was just an exercise in brutality.  3 out of 5 stars.  One of those stars is because Barbara Crampton was in it.

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Two Mini Horror Reviews for Your Halloween Pleasure

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Happy Halloween!  From its pagan origins to its crass commercialism, it’s a great holiday for both kids and adults. Think of how strange it is: children dress up in costumes and go door-to-door demanding candy from strangers.  A kind of forced fellowship with one’s neighbors until November 1, when we can go back to politely ignoring each other. I love it.

Breadhead Friday’s canceled because of Halloween and the nasty cold I’ve gotten as a Samhain present from my little boy.  I’m at that apex state of the cold where my head’s full of stuff and everything tastes terrible and I feel like hell, but it’s Halloween, so I’ll eat a lot of chocolate, not taste it, and put up the last few decorations outside.  We’re going with a skull and skeletons theme this year.  
Yesterday, I felt too awful to write.  So for the first time in years, I sat, did nothing, and sucked on the glass teat all day.  It’s not an experience I want to repeat for a myriad of reasons, but I was at least entertained.  This is what I watched:
Like all horror anthology films, this one was a mixed bag.  It was entertaining for the most part, and had some particularly creepy moments.  The unifying plot (Tape 56) of getting some secret VHS tape from the old man was kind of silly, though.  It could have been done better.  The best segment was Amateur Night: nothing in it was terribly unexpected, but it was done well, and had some horrifying moments.  Second Honeymoon had two particularly disturbing moments that saved it from its pedestrian execution.  Tuesday the 17th tried to turn the typical slasher theme on its head and utterly failed: it was easily the weakest of the segments.  The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger tried too hard to create a twist ending and ended up overcomplicating itself, but was pretty watchable.  10/31/98 was good: the characters were realistic, the situations were frightening.  Overall, V/H/S/ is worth a watch.
I watched the first two episodes at my wife’s request so we could watch the rest together.  I quite like it.  There’re some story elements that have so far elevated it above standard vampire/werewolf tropes.  Lili Taylor isn’t annoying, but Famke Janssen’s English accent is.  I’m looking forward to the remaining episodes, once this rhinovirus lets me stay up past eight.
Have a fun Halloween!
Oh, I almost forgot.  Dreadedin Chronicles: The Nameless City is still free until tomorrow, so get it while supplies last. Free shipping!  Thrills don’t get cheaper than this.
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American Horror Story Season Two: Impressions

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Over the course of the last few weeks, I watched the second season of American Horror Story after having been assured by its fans that it was better than the first season, which featured Dylan McDermott crying and masturbating in the early episodes and was generally mediocre.

Unfortunately, I found the second season about as mediocre for similar reasons.

The writers did absolutely nothing to make you care about any of the characters, including Kit Walker, arguably the only “good guy” in the show.  None of them were likable.  You have to like the characters to care about what happens to them, and in horror, very bad things are supposed to happen to them.  One gets possessed by the Devil, one gets raped, many get killed horribly, etc, and it wasn’t the least bit affecting.  The reporter character was simply venal and without charm; sister Jude lacked pathos despite piddling late-season efforts to achieve it; and Bloody Face, once unmasked, lacked menace.

It was a mishmash of horror themes that lacked a single unifying thread.  Alien abductions, demonic possession, Nazi experiments, and serial killers: all thrown against the wall, and none of them stuck.  Wouldn’t it be interesting to see what the Devil thinks about Gray aliens kidnapping people and experimenting on them?  You won’t find it here.  Despite that the story took place, for the most part, in an asylum, they barely touched on an extremely important theme: perception vs reality.  Crazy people and people on drugs often perceive reality as different from what it actually is.  That idea could have been used to show insanity.  It didn’t.  There was very little madness in the madhouse.

The show suffered from some very clumsy storytelling elements that should have been taken out.  When the reporter character escapes from Bloody Face, she just happens to get into a car with a crazy, suicidal man?  Really?  That was the best way the writers could think of to bring her back to the asylum?  Didn’t make sense.  The subplot with Ian McShane was entertaining, but only because Ian McShane was in it.  Certain characters just dropped off the face of the show for long periods without rhyme or reason.  Story arcs ended abruptly.  We don’t get closure in real life, so we want it in our fiction.  Unfortunately, we didn’t get that here.

The ending was banal and without surprise or tension.  While it was nice to see Dylan McDermott with his clothes on, his character lacked menace, and it was obvious what would happen to him in the end.  The alien kids end up becoming a lawyer and a doctor, respectively. The Nazi self-immolates.  Kit gets beamed up.  By then, I didn’t care.

The show did have one bright spot: the Angel of Death.  She was awesome.  I loved every scene with her in it, even though she was underutilized as a character.

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Dreadedin Chronicles Is Published!

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I’m pleased to announce that my new novella, Dreadedin Chronicles: The Nameless City has just been published and is available as an e-book on Amazon.com.

It’s a novella aimed at a Young Adult (YA) audience, written in cooperation with the Dunedin Public Library.  The story takes place in and around the city of Dunedin (pronounced “dun-EE-din”), Florida.  Most of the novel’s supporting characters are based on local teen volunteers.

A limited edition print run will make the book available for borrowing from the Dunedin Public Library in November 2014.

The book blurb states:

Paige Ashton is an ordinary teenager just trying to get through high school. Friendless, she’s socially invisible until bizarre occurrences put her in the spotlight. When disaster strikes on Halloween, why is everyone looking for her? 

College freshman Ryan Kincaid is living a lie: he pretends to go to class but hangs out and drinks with his friends instead. He’s never had to work for anything in his life, so how is he going to save his family from a fate worse than death? 

Soon, they’ll have to face cannibal zombies, a horrible sleeping sickness, and an ancient evil hundreds of millions of years old, with the fate of the world hanging in the balance. 

Happy Halloween!

The text includes some Lovecraftian themes, including research using forbidden tomes like the Pnakotic Manuscripts, inhuman civilizations that existed millions of years before our own, and terms like “cyclopean.”  At 99 cents, it’s practically a steal!

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Fred Zombies and Dreadedin Zombies

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A few years ago, I was fortunate enough to work with firearms expert Phil Motzer on a number of instructional videos, including Combat Handgun, arguably the best primer on using a semi-automatic pistol for personal defense available.

Not long after our professional relationship ended, his wife asked if I might participate in the first Fredericksburg Zombie Walk, a charity event.  I was unable to attend, but I did send a number of autographed copies of The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.  I’ve done so for every Fredericksburg Zombie Walk since.

This year’s Fredericksburg Zombie Walk will be held on Saturday November 1, 2014 at Hurkamp Park, 500 William Street, Fredericksburg VA 22401, from 3:00 pm to 6:00 pm.  Please bring a non-perishable food item, cleaning supplies, or a charitable donation.  There’ll be prizes and contests and all sorts of fun.

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The title of my YA Lovecraftian Halloween novel will be Dreadedin Chronicles: The Nameless City.  Electronic copies will be available before Halloween, and physical copies some time in early 2015.  Here is the blurb:

Paige Ashton is an ordinary teenager, just trying to get through high school. Friendless, she’s socially invisible until bizarre occurrences put her in the spotlight. When disaster strikes on Halloween, why is everyone looking for her?

College freshman Ryan Kincaid is living a lie: he pretends to go to class but hangs out and drinks with his friends instead. He’s never had to work for anything in his life, so how is he going to save his family from a fate worse than death?

Soon, they’ll have to face cannibal zombies, a horrible sleeping sickness, and an ancient evil hundreds of millions of years old, with the fate of the world hanging in the balance.

Happy Halloween!

The story will take place in a fictionalized version of the town of Dunedin, Florida, and most of the supporting characters have been taken from local teen volunteers who filled out a questionnaire provided by the Dunedin Public Library.  
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Bits and Pieces

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Breadhead Friday’s canceled today while I go out and do instead of talk about what I did.  In the calm before today’s storm, here are a few more or less random thoughts.

Yesterday, my wife and I went to see Gone Girl.  The dialogue was terrible.  When it wasn’t cliche, it was stilted and unrealistic.  Nobody talks like people in that movie did, unless they’re in a book.  The notion of the unreliable narrator was so pervasive that you couldn’t care about any of the characters.  Not only were they unlikable, they were unknowable.  It was interesting to see Tyler Perry outside of a fat black woman suit.  I hope he does more roles that don’t require that contrivance, because he was the only bright spot in the cast.  Ben Affleck shouldn’t act in anything serious, because he can’t be taken seriously.  There were two moments of real fun in the film, both of which happened near the end: a scene of shocking violence, and a brief moment of pathos.

Previews for Exodus: Gods and Kings left me cold.  I’m a little concerned that they’re going to secularize the story of Moses.  On the Passover holiday, “[E]ach person is obligated to see himself or herself [lirot et atzmo] as though he or she personally came forth from Egypt.”  So there’s a personal component here.

J D Mader has written a piece here about book reviews.  In it, he redefines the nature and purpose of book reviews to only mean what he thinks it should mean, and claims that everyone else is doing it wrong.  Because he’s “annoyingly ethical.”  Which means that if we don’t rethink the review system and review books according to his viewpoint, we’re being unethical.  What’s missing from the piece are:

  1. A comprehensive list of which books are actually worthy of a five-star review so the rest of us aren’t acting unethically and ruining the redefined system.
  2. Any meaningful discussion of how subjective a book review can be.
  3. The difference between great art and great entertainment (some people liked The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo more than Ethan Frome, and there’s nothing wrong with rating them according to preference).
  4. Specific criteria that will teach the unethical lot of us who broke the perfect system how to review books properly.
The librarian at the Dunedin Public Library with whom I’m working to produce the YA Halloween novella very much enjoyed the draft I sent her, so we’re working on next steps.  The book needs a cover image.  And another run-through with an editor.  These things are doable.  There may be a print copy made available, but we’ll see.  
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