David Dubrow

Author

  • About Dave
    • Interviews
  • Dave’s Blog
  • Dave’s Fiction
    • The Armageddon Trilogy
      • The Blessed Man and the Witch
      • The Nephilim and the False Prophet
      • The Holy Warrior and the Last Angel
    • Dreadedin Chronicles: The Nameless City
    • Get the Greek: A Chrismukkah Tale
    • Beneath the Ziggurat
    • The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse
  • Free Stories
    • Hold On
    • How to Fix a Broken World
    • The Armageddon Trilogy Character List and Glossary
  • Social
    • Twitter
    • Facebook
    • Google +
    • Amazon
    • Goodreads

And There Was That One Time I Ate Roadkill Squirrel

December 21, 2015 by David Dubrow Leave a Comment

Several years ago I produced an instructional video series on survival skills; we grouped these videos under the term “neo-tribal”: taking modern, easily-scrounged materials and using primitive or less-modern skills to make them into tools.

We made the rebar knife in this video series, among many other useful things. I also learned shiv-making, weaving discarded plastic bags into rope at least as strong as nylon cord, how to knap and flake stone and glass to make cutting implements, and a lot more. 
While we were finishing a scene on cooling a forged, red-hot knife in ash rather than oil, the author’s wife came in, holding a dead squirrel in a handkerchief. Half of its head had been crushed, and its remaining eye stared at us like an onyx marble.
“A UPS truck ran over it right outside the house,” she told us. “It’s still warm!”
After some discussion, we decided to use the dead squirrel to show how our knapped pieces of glass could be used to dress a small animal. So, in the waning light of mid-afternoon, we went outside and filmed the author skinning the squirrel and removing its organs with flaked shards of glass.  As I was not familiar with the process, never having watched or done it myself, I found it an interesting experience.  There wasn’t as much blood as you might expect, though I was a little bothered by the sight of the squirrel’s guts sort of dangling from its esophagus and rectum when the author lifted the skinned corpse up.
Later that day, as we packed up for the evening, the author’s wife came back to the workshop with a plate bearing a small pile of little gray pieces of meat, cooked and glistening.
It was the squirrel, you see.  She had butchered and fried it in a pan.
“Try some,” said the author, smiling.
The gleam in his eye told me he was testing us to see if the citified boys from Colorado would actually chow down on roadkill squirrel. My production assistant and I shared a look. I shrugged, nodded, and picked one of the larger pieces. It was mostly bone, and a bit greasy, but not bad. The andouillette sausage I had eaten in Paris was much, much worse, consisting of stinking flaps of intestine and tripe.  This was just little bits of rodent meat.
I didn’t suffer any ill effects (that I know of), and the rest of the shoot went swimmingly. I would probably eat squirrel again if offered, though I have no plans to make it a frequent meal unless circumstances require it.
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: primitive skills, rebar knife, squirrel, survival, war stories

Halloween, Zombies, and You

October 28, 2015 by David Dubrow Leave a Comment

What follows is a short piece that didn’t make it to the final manuscript of The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.  Like all good survival advice, it is timeless and necessary, especially for this time of year.

For children, Halloween ranks right up there with Christmas as the best time of year.  For the informed adult concerned about the coming Zombie Apocalypse, Halloween can be a gut check.  It doesn’t mean, however, that you have to dread it entirely: costumes, free candy, and parties are celebrations of life and a thumbing-of-the-nose at grim death.  As such, you should have fun.  Take the kids out trick-or-treating.  Throw a party.  Dress up as Batman.  Just keep a few things in mind that will maximize your personal security.

A Supernatural Zombie Apocalypse is more likely at this time of year than any other.  Halloween is when the veil between life and death is at its thinnest, making it easier for unquiet spirits to cross over from Purgatory to the land of the living.

  • Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things: Stay away from graveyards at all costs.  A dead body buried in unhallowed ground can be an attractive vessel for ghosts seeking a return to life (or unlife, as it were).  It may be traditional to hold parties at cemeteries during Halloween, but as an enlightened student of zombie combat you know that the best way to avoid being killed by the undead is to not be where there are going to be large numbers of them.  
  • The Craft: Stay away from practitioners of the occult, and don’t dabble in it yourself this one time.  Just like you wouldn’t play with matches near a gas station, getting out the Ouija board to see if you can contact a random spirit from the Great Beyond on Halloween is a terrifically bad idea.
To most of us, Halloween means dressing up as someone or something else.  The continuing popularity of zombies in modern American culture means that there are going to be many people shuffling around outside at night looking like hungry undead.  One of the worst things you could do is shoot an innocent living person because he made the unfortunate choice of having a realistic costume.  So it’s up to you to make sure you can tell the difference between a zombie and a person dressed up as a zombie.
  • The Scent of Blood: Because any true zombies active at this time of year are most likely Supernatural Zombies, they’re probably going to be more rotten, and hence smell a lot worse than a fresher Viral Zombie.  Putrefaction has a scent all its own, and the vast majority of zombie poseurs, even the most hardcore, won’t go the extra mile of smearing rotting meat on their bodies to complete the costume.
  • The Naked and the Dead: Clothing and funeral cerements tend to rot in the grave, and the effort of breaking through a coffin and digging out from six feet of earth tends to destroy burial garments.  It’s extremely unlikely that someone will shuffle around town with his private parts exposed to the wind as part of his zombie costume (though you can’t entirely rule that out).
  • Body Parts: It’s an easy thing to apply white, green, red, and gray splotches of makeup on your face, dress up in carefully torn clothing, limp around, make pitiful moaning noises, and call it a zombie costume.  But you can’t convincingly fake a truly skeletal hand with missing flesh over moving, bony digits.  

The most important thing is to make 100% certain of your target before shooting.  That smelly, grunting, half-naked person might be an Occupy protestor, not an actual undead creature.  Don’t shoot until you know beyond a shadow of doubt that the zombie in your sights is a true monster.  If necessary, call out verbal commands.  Even the most “in-character” zombie actor will fill his trousers and stop approaching at the sight of a drawn gun and a proper command to freeze.

Just take behavior and appearance in aggregate before deciding to act on a perceived threat.  What’s unacceptable the other 364 days out of the year can be the norm on Halloween.  Use common sense.  Real zombies don’t ring doorbells looking for candy: they’ll try to break the door down.  Keep an eye out, make sure your children are safe, and have a good time this year.  I can’t speak to the specifics, but I’m quite certain that next year you’ll have more pressing concerns than buying the economy bag of Snickers or Clark bars for the neighborhood kids.
Happy Halloween, and if you’re concerned about the safety of yourself and your loved ones at this  dangerous time of year, arm yourself with knowledge and run, don’t walk to get your copy of The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: halloween, horror, survival, the ultimate guide to surviving a zombie apocalypse, zombie apocalypse, zombies

Pooping During the Zombie Apocalypse

July 8, 2015 by David Dubrow Leave a Comment

This is a rewrite of an earlier piece I wrote to support my book The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.  For more information on Zombie Redoubts, read this piece.  For the full skinny on Zombie Redoubts, I urge you to pick up The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.  It might just save your life.

When You’ve Got to Go

It’s not something we typically talk about in polite company, but everybody poops.  And pees.  For most of us it’s not a big deal: just go to the bathroom and do your thing.  We don’t have to think about it.  During the Zombie Apocalypse, disposal of human waste presents some problems.

It is not known if zombies have a sense of smell.  It’s most likely that the zombies you’ll be dealing with will track you via sight and sound.  That is, if they see or hear you, they’ll go after you.  Zombies aren’t capable of examining your scat to determine where you’ve been or where you’re going, the way human hunters can with animals.  Despite this, it’s not a good idea to just do your number twos wherever you happen to be: it’s unsanitary and attracts disease-carrying vermin of the living (not undead) sort.

Your Zombie Redoubt should include some way to eliminate or safely store your waste without the requirement of indoor plumbing.  The two best options are a chemical toilet or a bucket toilet.

  • Better Pooping Through Chemistry: A chemical toilet is a standalone reservoir containing chemicals that react with human waste, deodorizing it.  The drawback to a chemical toilet is that you will have to replace the chemicals in it once you empty it out, otherwise it just becomes a bucket toilet.
  • Don’t Kick the Bucket: A bucket toilet is just that: a large container with a toilet seat on it.  Some of the more expensive models have water reservoirs for “flushing” the excreta into a waste reservoir, self-sealing lids, soft seats, and heavy-duty bucket liners.

The biggest problem with an indoor survival toilet is disposing of the contents once the reservoir is full.  The last thing you want to do is dodge hungry zombies outside while running with a large, heavy bag of your own waste.  Before zombies rise up to destroy civilization, identify places near your Zombie Redoubt that might be suitable for waste disposal: a nearby trash dumpster, a port-a-potty at a nearby construction site, a pre-dug latrine in the back yard.

If you’re on the road, always make sure you have an E-tool (entrenching tool/shovel) with you so you can bury your solid waste.

Toilet paper is pretty important, as anyone who is without it and needs it will tell you.  The problem is that it’s fairly bulky.  Use as little as you can get away with and still remain clean.  MREs (Meals Ready to Eat) tend to have a constipating effect, which in the short term can be beneficial to your toilet paper bottom line.  But if you’re traveling, you may not be so lucky in the food department, and what you find on the road may not agree with you.  In that case, if you’re out of paper, you’re obviously just going to have to use what’s available: leaves, socks, moss, etc.  Just make sure that the leaves you’re using don’t belong to a poison ivy plant.  It’s very difficult to keep a two-handed grip on your pistol and face down a group of zombies when your nether regions are on fire.

Always carry a bottle of hand sanitizer and use it after going to the bathroom to prevent cholera, typhus, and other illnesses spread by human waste.

Survival preparedness isn’t just about a bug-out bag full of flashlights, Hydra-Shok rounds, and cans of pork ‘n’ beans: you have to think about the less-fun stuff, too.  Poop smarter, not harder.

Illustration by Carlos Machuca for The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.

Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: pooping, survival, the ultimate guide to surviving a zombie apocalypse, zombies

Zombie Redoubts on the Go

June 10, 2015 by David Dubrow Leave a Comment

The first book I wrote was The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.  I wrote it under the pseudonym F. Kim O’Neill, because I thought that survival skills and zombie-killing techniques would be more credible if they came from a fictional military veteran than a real-life goofball like myself.  Despite my past and present goofball status, my book is still the most realistic primer available on surviving a Zombie Apocalypse, bar none.

Since the book was published in December 2010, I’ve written some shorter pieces on zombie apocalypse survival skills.  What follows is a rewrite of an earlier piece.

Zombie Redoubts on the Go

In The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse, I described methods to turn your house or apartment into a Zombie Redoubt: a place of refuge that can be readily defended during a Zombie Apocalypse.  If, for whatever reason, you can’t or won’t take those steps to make your home more zombie-resistant (almost no place on Earth is completely zombie-proof), then you will want to read on.  Even if you have stocked up your Zombie Redoubt with weapons, supplies, and water, the longer you stay in one place, the more likely it is that you’ll meet wandering, hungry undead.  Every fight can be your last, be it from bad luck, a jammed gun, or an overwhelming number of enemies.  Eventually you’re going to have to move out of your Zombie Redoubt and find a new place to live.

Whether you’re looking for a place to sleep for the night or a home for a few weeks, identifying a suitable  Zombie Redoubt on the go should include the following factors:

  • That Prius May Save the Environment, but It Won’t Save Your Life: If you use an abandoned car as a temporary hotel and are surprised by zombies, you’re in a very bad position.  Inside an automobile there’s little room to dodge attacks or access a weapon (let alone swing one), and the entire top half of the thing is made out of glass that a determined undead attacker will eventually break.  You’re also very easily surrounded in a car, and it can be extremely difficult to get out of one in a hurry.  
  • More Than One Exit: Any place you go into should have at least two means of egress: the one you entered and one other that leads to a ground floor exit.  If you’re running from zombies and lock yourself into a structure that only has one exit, you’re just delaying the inevitable. Sooner or later you’re going to have to get out and deal with the problem that brought you there in the first place.  Of course, you can’t always immediately tell if the building you plan to hole up in has a second way out, so before you commit to staying for any length of time, do a thorough sweep of the first floor and test any exits you might see: that back fire door may be locked or rusted shut.  
  • The Visible Man: Places like libraries, schools, supermarkets, convenience stores, and other retail establishments may have things like free food, water, and books, but they also have very large windows and glass fronts.  This glass may be zombie-proof, but it also provides both living and undead enemies with an unobstructed view of the interior of the building.  If zombies see you in there, they will never leave.  Sure, you can try to block all the windows, but with what?  Will it block all light?  Did you leave yourself enough peepholes to see what’s going on outside?  Use these kinds of places as resupply stops and very temporary shelters, not homes.
  • Knock Knock, Who’s There: Depending on the size of the structure you’ve entered, you will want to make certain that you’re alone in it.  If it’s an office building, secure all ground floor methods of entry or egress to keep upstairs tenants from sneaking up on you.  Just because the building doesn’t have power, it doesn’t mean you can’t be surprised by undead in the elevator shaft, for example.  If it’s a house or smaller structure, go room to room on a search for enemies before relaxing.  During the Zombie Apocalypse most surprises you’ll experience will turn out to be nasty ones, not birthday parties. Minimize the chances of being surprised.
  • Squatter’s Rights: Be prepared to face down other scavenging humans in your quest for shelter, but unless your intent is to kill everyone you see, you may want to avoid places that show obvious signs of habitation.  If you’ve managed to survive the first few weeks of the Zombie Apocalypse, you’re a tougher customer than you used to be.  The problem is, so is everyone else.  You don’t know what that scruffy-looking guy and his wall-eyed girlfriend in the abandoned 7-11 had to go through to survive.  With thousands of hungry undead seeking your brains, do you really want to fight everybody?  There’s probably a suitable place to crash down the street.

Practice assessing places as Zombie Redoubts on the go before the Zombie Apocalypse. Take a casual look around the next time you’re in an unfamiliar building.  Identify the exits, check out how much glass is out front, and give it a general look-see.  Imagine yourself having to sleep there with minimal creature comforts.  You’ll be surprised at what you discover.

Illustration by Carlos Machuca for The Ultimate Guide to Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.
Facebooktwitterredditpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: f kim o'neill, horror, redoubt, survival, the ultimate guide to surviving a zombie apocalypse, zombie apocalypse, zombies

"It began to drizzle rain and he turned on the windshield wipers; they made a great clatter like two idiots clapping in church." --Flannery O'Connor, Wise Blood

"Squop chicken? I never get enough to eat when I eat squop chicken. I told you that when we sat down. You gotta give me that. I told you when we sat down, I said frankly I said this is not my idea of a meal, squop chicken. I'm a big eater." --John O'Hara, BUtterfield 8

I saw the 1977 cartoon The Hobbit as a little boy, and it kindled a love of heroic fantasy that has never left me. Orson Bean's passing is terrible news. Rest in peace.

Obviously, these young people have been poorly served by their parents, but the honest search for practical information should be lauded, not contemned.

You shouldn't look at or use Twitter, and this story is another perfect example. There's so much that's wrong here that it would take a battalion of clergy, philosophers, and psychologists to fully map it out, let alone treat the issue.

This is the advertising copy for Ilana Glazer's stand-up comedy special The Planet Is Burning: "Ilana Glazer‘s debut standup special is trés lol, and turns out - she one funny b. Check out Ilana’s thoughts on partnership, being a successful stoner adult, Nazis, Diva Cups, and more. Hold on to your nuts cuz this hour proves how useless the patriarchy is. For Christ’s sake, The Planet Is Burning, and it’s time a short, queer, hairy New York Jew screams it in your face!" This is written to make you want to watch it.

In the midst of reading books about modern farming, the 6,000 year history of bread, and ancient grains, I found this just-published piece by farmer and scholar Victor Davis Hanson: Remembering the Farming Way.

"I then confront the decreasing power of the movement in order to demonstrate the need for increased theorizations of the reflexive capacities of institutionalized power structures to sustain oppositional education social movements." Yes. Of course.

You should definitely check out Atomickristin's sci-fi story Women in Fridges.

As it turns out, there may yet be some kind of personal cost for attempting to incite a social media mob into violence against a teenage boy you don't know, but decided to hate anyway because reasons.

One of the biggest problems with internet content is that the vast majority of sites don't pay their writers, and it shows in the lack of quality writing. It's hard to find decent writers, and harder to scrape up the cash to pay them. This piece is a shining example of the problem of free content: it's worth what you pay for.

If you're interested in understanding our current cultural insanity, the best primer available is Douglas Murray's The Madness of Crowds. Thoughtful, entertaining, and incisive.

More laws are dumb. More law enforcement is dumb. The only proper response to violence is overwhelming violence. End the assault. There's a rising anti-semitism problem in New York because Jews who act like victims are being victimized by predators. None of these attacks are random. Carry a weapon and practice deploying it under duress. Be alert and aware. I don't understand why the women Tiffany Harris attacked didn't flatten her face into the pavement, but once word gets around that the consequences of violence are grave, the violence will lessen.

When are you assholes going to understand that this stupidity doesn't work any longer? Nobody gives much of a damn if you think we're sexist because we don't want to see a movie you think we should see. It only makes us dislike you that much more, and you started out being an unlikable asshole. Find a new way to shame normal people.

The movie Terms of Endearment still holds up more than 35 years later, and if you're looking for a tearjerker, this is your jam. One element that didn't get a lot of mention is, at the end, when Flap, with a shrug, decides that his mother-in-law will become the mother of his children once Emma dies. He abandons them, and nothing is made of it. This always troubled me.

You need to read this story the next time you feel the urge to complain. And if you need a shot of admiration for another family's courage, check this out.

Progressive political activist and children's author J.K. Rowling finds herself on the wrong side of a mob she helped to create. The Woke Sandwich she's been trying to force-feed others since she earned enough f-you money doesn't taste as good as it looks when she's obliged to take a bite.

I need you to check out The Kohen Chronicles and pray for this family. Their 5-year-old son has cancer.

Currently, the movie Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker stands at 55% at Rotten Tomatoes. Don't forget that these are the same reviewers who not only adored the absolutely execrable The Last Jedi, but insisted that you were a MAGA hat-wearing incel white supremacist manbaby for not loving The Last Jedi. So either The Rise of Skywalker is an objectively bad film, or it simply wasn't woke enough to earn plaudits from our movie-reviewing moral and intellectual betters.

It's easy to hate the older pop bands like Genesis for their popularity, but they were capable of genius, and it shows in No Son of Mine.

If you want to know which identity group has more clout, read this story of the Zola ads on the Hallmark Channel.

Rest in peace, René Auberjonois. I remember you from Benson as a kid. As an adult, I remember you as Janos Audron in the Legacy of Kain video game series. You made every role you were in a classic.

Elf on a Shelf Follies, Part 2:
8-year-old: I wrote the elf a note! I hope he writes back.
Me: What did you write?
8yo: I asked if he has any friends.
Me: What if he says it's none of your business?
8yo: *eyes grow dark and glittering* Then I'll...touch him.
Me: Ah. Mutually assured destruction, then.

Elf on a Shelf Follies, Part 1: My 8-year-old got an Elf on the Shelf the other day. The book it came with tells a story in doggerel about this elf's purpose, which is to spy on the kid and report his doings to Santa Claus, who would then determine if the kid is worthy for Christmas presents this year. The book also said for the kid not to touch him, or the magic would fade, and for the family to give the elf a name. I wanted to name him Stasi. I was outvoted.

Actor Billy Dee Williams calls himself a man or a woman, depending on whim; his character Lando Calrissian is "pansexual," and his writer implies that he'd become intimate with anyone or anything, including, one presumes, a dog, a toaster, or a baby. J.J. Abrams is very concerned about LGBTQ representation in the Star Wars universe. This is Hollywood. This is Star Wars. This is what's important to the people in charge of your cinematic entertainment. Are you not entertained?

The funniest thing on the internet today is the number of people angry over an exercise bike commercial. Public outrage is always funny. Always.

One of the biggest mistakes the United States has ever made since WWII was recruiting for clandestine and federal law enforcement organizations at Ivy League schools. The best talent pools were/are available from local law enforcement and military veterans, with their maturity and, most importantly, field experience. We've been reaping the costs of these terrible decisions for decades, culminating in a hopelessly politicized, sub-competent FBI and CIA.

Watching Fauda seasons 1 and 2 again in preparation for season 3 to be broadcast, one hopes, in early 2020. Here's my back-of-the-matchbook review of season 2.

Every day I try to be grateful for what I have, even in the face of the petty frustrations and troubles that pockmark a day spent outside of one's living room, binge-watching Netflix. We live lives of ease in 21st century America, making it enormously difficult to do anything but take one's countless blessings for granted. Holidays like the just-passed Thanksgiving are helpful reminders. There's a reason why people call the attitude of a thankful heart practicing gratitude, not just feeling grateful. You have to practice it. You have to remind yourself of what you have. It's the work of a lifetime.

Held Back: A Recent Conversation.
8-year-old: Oh, and Jamie was there, too. He was in my first grade class two years ago.
Me: Wasn't he held back a year?
8yo: Yeah. It's because he kept going to the bathroom with the door open.
Me: No way!
8yo: And girls saw.
Me: That's not right. They're not going to hold a kid back a whole year over that.
8yo: Well, that's what he told me.
Me: Sounds fishy.
8yo: I believe him.
~fin~

It's right and good to push a raft of politically correct social justice policies on everything else under the sun, but when social justice invades Hollywood, that's just a bridge too far, says Terry Gilliam. Sorry, Terry: you helped make this sandwich. EAT IT.

Rob Henderson's piece on luxury beliefs will have you nodding your head over and over again...unless you subscribe to these luxury beliefs, in which case you'll get mad.

I've made the Saturday bread from Flour Water Salt Yeast so often that I've memorized the recipe. It never disappoints. Never. The same recipe works well for pizza, too.

Liberty doesn't mean the freedom to do anything you want. The true definition of liberty is the ability to choose the good. Anything less is libertinism.

Archives

My Social Media Links

  • Twitter
  • Facebook
  • Google +

Author Links

  • Amazon Author Page
  • Goodreads

Copyright © 2026 · Author Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in