Despite my abhorrence of gigantic show business franchises, I watched The Last Jedi on Netflix. I’d seen all the other Star Wars films, not counting the side-story movies, so I was interested to find out what happened.

This was a mistake.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi is awful. Objectively awful. It’s so awful that ten minutes into the film you realize that writer-director Rian Johnson made such an awful film because he wanted to make an awful film to alienate fans of the first trilogy. Johnson’s intent was to destroy the Star Wars universe as previously conceived because he hates it, and he succeeded beyond anyone’s most fevered nightmares. Not only does Johnson hate Star Wars, but he also hates masculinity, heroism, and traditional storytelling. The proof is in the movie.

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Part One: Rian Johnson Hates Masculinity

Every one of the male characters in the movie was evil, stupid, foolish, or a combination of the three. Every one of the female characters was brave, strong, wise, and properly scornful of the worthless men infesting the galaxy. It’s a male feminist’s perspective of male-female qualities, and as we all know, there’s little on this Earth more deserving of contempt than a male feminist. Male feminists loathe the masculine virtues and eschew the responsibilities of being men. Here’s a brief rundown of Rian Johnson’s characters. Star Wars is his now, not yours. The characters don’t belong to you. Love them or adopt the mantle of misogynist.

• Luke Skywalker: Homicidal RE: Ben Solo (hence evil) and retreats to a distant planet to eliminate the Jedi order, arguably the last objective force for good in the galaxy (also evil).
• Kylo Ren: Childish, evil, destructive, stupid.
• Finn: As useful as a chocolate teapot, foolish.
• Poe: Foolish, impetuous, mutinous.
• DJ: Evil.
• Leia: Brave, strong, wise, slaps Poe because she can. Always has her jaw clenched, presumably because she has to deal with stupid men all the time.
• Holdo: Brave, strong, wise, condescending, brilliant.
• Rose Tico: Brave, strong, wise.
• Rey: We’ll get to her later.

None of these characters were the least bit likable. No effort was made for us to care about them or what they did.

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Part Two: Rian Johnson Hates Heroism

Every time a male character was about to engage in some sort of heroic activity, his plan was either quashed or interfered with, because the Star Wars universe isn’t about heroes. It’s about…um…I don’t know what it’s about anymore. I do know that Luke Skywalker, the hero of the Rebellion from the original trilogy, the man who blew up the first Death Star and saved Darth Vader’s soul, did nothing at all heroic in The Last Jedi. He ran away to be a disgusting hermit who drinks green milk from the tits of gigantic space walruses. He seeks to destroy the Jedi order, which used to be a hero factory, and erase his own legacy. Then he kills himself. That’s the Rian Johnson version of a hero.

Poe disarms the First Order’s most frightening ship, the dreadnought, but Leia slaps and demotes him because some people died in the fight. Even though it’s a war and people die in wars. His heroism is unwelcome in the Rebellion, you see.

Finn attempts an act of self-sacrifice that will give the Rebellion precious time to find a path to escape, but the brave, strong, and wise Rose Tico stops him at the last second, because these kinds of heroics are unwelcome in the Rebellion. She even tells him, “I saved you. That’s how we’ll win. Not fighting what we hate. Saving what we love.” So it’s a war fought by devotees of My Little Pony. That’s the Rebellion.

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Part Three: Rian Johnson Hates Traditional Storytelling

The terrible plot holes, dialogue, and storytelling could only have been created by someone deliberately attempting to subvert audience expectations regarding the nature of a well-told story.

• Space Bombers: There’s no gravity in space. Everybody knows that. And yet the Rebellion has spaceships that drop bombs onto other spaceships. In space.
• Dreadnought: The First Order’s most frightening ship was rendered useless by one X-wing and a space bomber. That drops bombs. In space.
• Leia’s Spacewalk: Who knew Leia could manipulate the Force so well that she can survive explosive decompression and the deadly environment of outer space? Why hasn’t she done this kind of thing before?
• Holdo’s Hyperspace Trick: Why hasn’t every Rebel force used this tactic until now to wipe out First Order fleets? Why can’t the hyperspace-capable ships have a remote “turn into fleet-destroying missile” system in place so the captains don’t have to die? How do you not slam into a star, meteor, moon, or other ship if hyperspace is just a way of going very, very fast?
• The Casino Planet: The Last Jedi was the longest movie in the franchise. It didn’t need to be. Nothing Rose or Finn did throughout the film had any effect on anything else that happened. They went to the casino planet, heaped scorn on all the rich white people, went back, and achieved absolutely nothing except for wasting several minutes of our time. They didn’t have anything else for Finn to do and they needed another box to check with Rose Tico, the charmless, dwarfish space mechanic. Plot padding this obvious has to be deliberate.
• Finn’s Phasma Fight: An anticlimactic ordeal that lasted about a minute. Phasma is the new Boba Fett: cool outfit, no personality or interest to her character, had a stupid death. Or maybe she’s not dead. Who cares? There wasn’t enough build-up between Finn and Phasma in the previous movie to make this fight anything other than dumb.
• Rey: She’s the ultimate Mary Sue. She can do anything and everything better than everyone else. Brave, strong, and wise, she spurns Kylo’s offer because there wasn’t anything in it for her: she can rule the galaxy herself, thank you. Her training, such as it was, consists of minimal strain and meager introspection; she’s already stronger in the Force than Luke himself. Especially in lifting rocks. Even her parentage is meaningless: like a god, she just is. No Hero’s Journey for her, no sacrifice, no self-discovery; she transcends all that. Yawn. Why should we care?

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On top of hating everything else, Rian Johnson really hates the original Star Wars movies, and proves that by having Luke casually toss his old lightsaber away the first minute you see him. That’s Johnson giving the middle finger to you sad, neckbearded fans who wanted to see the old stuff. Luke’s pathetic, fade-away death puts the exclamation point on that. No mourning scene over Han Solo. Admiral Ackbar just dies off-screen. C-3PO and R2-D2 get throwaway lines.

So…so you liked the original Star Wars? Well, that’s done: we’re throwing that crap away and remaking it into our own image, where the Force is female, where wars are fought with love, and where the masculine virtues are squatted over and pissed upon. And if you don’t like that, you’re sexist. And probably racist. That’s what the new Star Wars is about. I hope you dig it, because there’s nothing else coming. Deal, manbabies.

Inevitably after a review like this, someone will say, “Well, I liked it.” Good for you. You were entertained.

I wasn’t. This was an awful movie, and everyone involved in it should be embarrassed to be part of such a piece of SJW trash. And if you liked it, maybe you should be embarrassed, too.